I Suspect There's A Key Non-Political Reason Older People Love This Tesla: Quick Jump

Old people are outdated. They are members of a population trying to hold on to certain beliefs reminiscent of a world that’s outgrown them.

This pertains to a certain man in the Oval Office, or the feud that’s going on between him and a pro-natalist. The world’s most depraving babymaker is also in charge of Tesla, a company that hasn’t been this involved in politics since Hitler duped people in raising money to purchase a Beetle that was then used for his war efforts.

But let’s pretend there isn’t a political aspect to Tesla. Say there was a, er, different reason to buy from this EV brand, and I’m not talking about its only true success that is the Supercharger network. I suspect there’s another cause for elders to buy a new Model Y.

It’s that face. The one yanked off of a Cybertruck and plastered onto the front of a 2025 Model Y, what Tesla calls the ‘Juniper’ update. More than a few are tootling around Prescott—some two hours north of Phoenix—a town that has a predominantly older population than most in the U.S. These drivers are expected to swipe the left part of the screen to change gear and possibly make rude gestures while trying to tune into a radio station.

I was wondering how they justify their Republican-coded purchase when the answer hit me in the parking lot of a Walmart. As I watched this older couple in a gray Model Y parallel park into a handicap space, the front of the car directly faced me.

That’s when I was reminded of this:

You’re not seeing tricks. This was the typical lighting setup for a Mercury in the 1990s.

To reduce the likelihood of epileptic shock, here’s a still image of one that has the lights restored.

That is a way too damn bright light bar. And it was typical equipment even in as lame as a sedan as a Mercury Sable, the most popular model sold by the brand at the time.

Now let’s look at the Juniper again:

It’s hard to find night pictures but this grainy demonstration offers enough of a resemblance to a Mercury Sable from, say, 1992. Time means refinement has brought a sharpness of creases into vehicle design versus the American boats you could get back then. But as I looked at the couple at Walmart who appeared to be in their eighties, it occurred to me that they bought it because it reminded them of their old Sable.

Mercury, for what it’s worth, was a near-luxury company slotted between Ford and Lincoln. Think of it like Chevrolet, Buick, Cadillac but for weird people. It ceased operations in January 2011 to focus on being hip and young.

In 2004, the average age of a Mercury buyer was 50. That’s not far off the average age of a Model Y buyer which at last count was 48. This is far-fetched reasoning that goes toward why people buy a Tesla only to replace their old Sables, gosh darn it.

Aside from a face only their mothers love, elders must love it because inside, everything is controlled via a giant iPad-like thing. As much as I love iPads, I hate technology in cars with a passion. Most of the safety systems are off in my car apart from the blindspot warning and backup camera. Those are so damn useful.

The routine for driving is to plug my phone in for music and turn the seat heater on. That’s all I care about in a car at 29 years of age.

If only the rest of life were that simple.

-TA